The Post a Joke thread

[cpvr]

This is a spin off of our post a meme topic, so if you've come across a funny joke lately, we'd love to hear it!

Jokes are a great way to laugh, enjoy yourself and enjoy some light entertainment.

I'll start thread off with a few jokes.
Why does snoop dogg carry an umbella?
Fo' drizzle

Why did the turkey cross the suspension bridge?
To show he wasn't chicken.


How do you tell a hot dog to be quiet?
Hush puppy!

Did you hear about the couple that stole the calendar?
They each got 6 months!

What is the dog's favorite button on the remote?
The pause button.

 

[Heatman]

I love jokes too. These ones are my favourites.

1. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.

2. Why was the cat sitting on the computer? He wanted to keep an eye on the mouse.

3. What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights? A chick-en.

 

[cpvr]

My son likes elevators; my daughter likes escalators.

They are raised differently.

When my wife gets angry, I like to put a cape around her

That makes her SUPER angry!

What does a mechanical frog say?

Rivet, rivet


Why shouldn’t you fart in an Apple Store?

They don’t have windows.

 

[Ja sa bong]

I hope you love these ones too 🤣

Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded?

People are dying to get in.

 

[cpvr]

I hope you love these ones too 🤣

Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded?

People are dying to get in.

My wife told me that I never listen to her.
At least I think that's what she said.

What do rich clouds do?
They make it rain!

 

[Ja sa bong]

My wife told me that I never listen to her.
At least I think that's what she said.

What do rich clouds do?
They make it rain!

🤣😅

How do I know my wife’s mad?

The Wi-Fi password changes overnight.

I asked my wife what's her biggest mistake?

She hugged me 😂

 

[cpvr]

Why don't helmets float?

Because they capsized.

I bought a book on how to handle rejection...

It's been three weeks and the author still won't accept my friend request.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To avoid becoming a side.

 

[Ja sa bong]

What did 20 do when it was hungry?

Twenty-eight.

Why can’t you put two half-dollars in your pocket?

Because two halves make a hole, and your money will fall out.

What subject do cats like best in school?

It's Hiss-tory.

 

[Heatman]

I saw this on Facebook and really enjoyed it 😂 😂

How many kids are here...?

1. I have a dig bick
2. You that read wrong
3. You read that wrong too
4. You checked
5. You smiled
7. You are wandering why you are still reading this
8. You saw that mistake, right?
(On 7)
10. But did you see that I skipped 6?
10. You checked
11. And saw you that I doubled 10 and skipped 9
12. I said "saw you" not you saw
13. I also skipped 2
14. You got tricked
15. I'm just wasting your time now keep scrolling on your reels😂

 

[cpvr]

Did you hear about the scientist that hates negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Why do the numbers 1 through 12 work the hardest?

They're always on the clock.

Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Me why?

 

[Fuzzball]

Oh my gosh I love jokes. Here's one that my 10th grade teacher once told the class; I never forgot it. Ofc I dont remember word-for-word so I tend to revise it.

A man walks into a patent office with some papers outlining his recent inventions.

After the person at the counter asks him to show his ideas, the man excitedly tell them. "Here is my first invention! It's a folding bottle; I call it a fottle."

The person nods, a but unimpressed. "Okay, what else do you have?"

The man shuffles the papers, then says "Alright, I also have a folding carton; I call it a farton!"

The person behind the counter laughs. "That's kind of an inappropriate name, isnt it?"

The man, infuriated by the person's lack of respect for his ideas, immediately storms out of the building, without telling him about his folding bucket.

 

[cpvr]

A jumper cable walks into a bar…

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”




Stop it with all the corny jokes!

Or else I'm calling the crops.

Why do dumb people always say yes?

They don’t no anything

I made some fish tacos yesterday.

They ignored them and swam away.

 

[cpvr]

What do you get when the dentist mixes laxative into the laughing gas?

Shits and giggles

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so of course I had to ground him...

...he is doing better currently....conducting himself properly.

 

[Alicia]

I saw this on Facebook and really enjoyed it 😂 😂

How many kids are here...?

1. I have a dig bick
2. You that read wrong
3. You read that wrong too
4. You checked
5. You smiled
7. You are wandering why you are still reading this
8. You saw that mistake, right?
(On 7)
10. But did you see that I skipped 6?
10. You checked
11. And saw you that I doubled 10 and skipped 9
12. I said "saw you" not you saw
13. I also skipped 2
14. You got tricked
15. I'm just wasting your time now keep scrolling on your reels😂

It's a long read for me 😂
I was caught going back and forth as I check the mistakes that I made and still make another mistake on top of it.

 

[Ja sa bong]

What do you call a cow with no legs? It's ground beef.

What’s a cow’s favorite game?
"Moo-nopoly"

Why don’t morgue workers tell jokes?
They’re afraid the bodies might crack up.

 

[cpvr]

I forgot to pay my annual subscription to Scrabble Club

Now they are sending me threatening letters.

What did the baby chicken say when his mom laid an orange?

Look what marmalade.

 

[Ja sa bong]

Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker?
He was outstanding in his field.

Why don’t skeletons work overtime?
They’re too bone-tired.

Why was the broom promoted?
It kept sweeping the competition

 

[cpvr]

Apparently, before takeoff, all the people in the airplane were secretly talking about the passenger who was farting in the aisle as he was walking to his seat.

I was clueless but just got wind of it.

My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.

 

[Ja sa bong]

Why can’t football players stay cool?
It's because they’re always running around in pads.

Why did the duck join a band?
It had the best quack-sophone skills.

Why don’t skeletons fear death?
They’re already bare-bones.

 

[cpvr]

Do you know what I call food that falls from my plate onto the ground?

Floor D'ouevres.

Why shouldn't you wear flip-flops to the post office?

Someone might stamp your feet.

 

[Ja sa bong]

Why don’t hungry people play chess?

They’re too busy trying to checkmate their pantry.

What did the doctor say to the broken pencil?

You're pointless, but I can still fix you.

Why don’t germs ever go out of business?

They’re always spreading.

 

[cpvr]

What kind of bear likes the rain?

A drizzly bear.

My wife was supposed to meet me at the gym.

She was running late.

I decided to weight for her.

 

[Ja sa bong]

Why don’t angels use smartphones?

They prefer divine intervention over notifications.

How does Satan send messages?

Through sin-mail.

Why does giraffes long necks?

So they could always look down on the competition.

 

[cpvr]

I live in such a friendly area.

I just saw a group of young guys checking that I'd locked my car door.

I would have thanked them if they hadn't been so shy and ran off.

What’s the difference between an arts degree and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

 

[cpvr]

Have yall heard about the website that just shows pictures of dogs?

I’ve been trying to access it for a while, but the website takes so long to fetch the data!

When does a drop of water lose its meaning?

When it goes in space.

 

[Heatman]

What did the drunk say to the bottle?

You’re my best shot.

What’s a lady’s favorite exercise?
Shopping squats and picking up all those bags.

Why don’t men ask for directions?

They’d rather drive in circles than admit they’re wrong.

 

[cpvr]

What did the drunk say to the bottle?

You’re my best shot.

What’s a lady’s favorite exercise?
Shopping squats and picking up all those bags.

Why don’t men ask for directions?

They’d rather drive in circles than admit they’re wrong.

What has two butts and kills people ?

An assassin.

My wife says I ruined her birthday.

Which is impossible! I didn't even know it was her birthday.

 

[cpvr]

Why did Bruce Wayne slam right into his glass door?

He’s as blind as a bat.

I called my boss this morning and whispered “sorry boss I can’t come in I have a wee cough.” My boss says you have a wee cough?!

I said really?!!! Thanks boss see ya next week!

 

[cpvr]

My girlfriend phoned me on her way to work and said to me “I saw a fox on the way to work”

I replied “How do you know it’s on its way to work”

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW??

On a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.

 

[cpvr]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
Knock, knock.

• Who's there?
• I-M.
• I-M, who?
• I-M on the computer, and I can't answer the door.